My Hope

People often ask me why I do what I do for a living. It is no secret that I have a stressful job, and one that many people freely say they would not like to do. Some weeks are more stressful than other weeks and cause me to question for myself why I willingly subject myself to the heartache and pain I deal with every day. This past week has been one of those weeks. It's caused me a great deal of sorrow, anxiety, and more than a few tears. It's caused me to cry out to God and it's caused me to question my abilities. It's caused me to wonder, "Can I do this?", "Am I competent?", and "Am I crazy?" It's caused me to wonder what others think of me and my abilities, if I can ever really do any good for those I seek to help, and if I can trust God to make beauty from ashes.
Tonight, I was talking with some friends about the difficulties I encountered this week and I mentioned that I don't like to see people hurt. One of them said to me, "You're in the wrong profession." Because I have wondered this same thing more than once this week, I began to think about why it is that I am in this profession.
Counselors become counselors for many reasons. One of the things we learned first in school was to accept that one of the reaons why we chose the counseling profession is to meet some of our own needs such as the need to be needed, the need to help others, the need to be in control, and the need to find purpose and meaning in life. All of those resonate for me and this week I have been faced squarely with the knowledge that sometimes, the reason why I do what I do is less about helping my clients and more about meeting my needs for control, meaning, and purpose. When I feel lost and don't have answers to offer those that seek them from me, I question my role, my abilities, and my usefulness. I begin to criticize myself for my weaknesses and failures, and I become convinced that others see these weaknesses too and judge me for them.

And yet, one fact remains and this fact will forever be true. God is always the answer. When I feel lost and even when I don't feel lost, God is the answer. He is the reason why I do what I do. He is my hope. I do hate the hurting of this world. I do hate seeing depravity, sin, and Satan win the souls of some people. I do hate that the Enemy tells all of us lies and these lies bring hurting and pain and sorrow and sometimes this pain and sorrow causes people to take their own lives. It does seem completely meaningless to me. It does sadden me and impassion me to fight against it. That is precisely the reason why I do what I do. I do what I do because I hate the hurt within this world. It is a way that I have found to offer hope and healing for the Enemy's lies. I can never heal the wounds. I can never free a soul. I can never deliver someone from the pain that causes such suffering. I can never offer satisfying answers to the question of, "Why?" "Why does God allow this suffering, this pain, this hurt?", "Why does God sometimes allow young people to die?", "Why does God allow such trials to befall mankind?" I have no truly satisfying answers for this.
But, what I do find is that the one answer I have is enough for my soul and for the souls of all men. The answer that I have is that God is enough. God has the answers. God knows why. And all that He does is good. ALL that He does is good. He will always redeem, He will always restore, He will always heal. He will always weave a beautiful tapestry out of the darkness and pain. He will always bring glory to Himself and peace to His people. And in the end, He will return. He has conquered over death. He has conquered over sin. He has conquered over depravity. He has conquered over Satan. So, even though it seems in this moment like Satan wins some of the battles, my God will always win the war. ALWAYS. And I want to be a part of His working in this world. I want to be a vessel that He can use if He so chooses to bring hope and healing and comfort to those that are struck by the fractured reality that sin has created. I want to be used by Him to push back the darkness and the pain that so often transcends. I want to offer His light into that darkness.

And so on weeks like this one, when I struggle with questions and anxieties without any easy answers from a human point of view, I rest on the one thing I hope in: Christ alone. For I was dead in my transgressions, unable to save myself... but Christ saved me through no work of my own. And that is enough for me. That is enough to cause me to trust Him even when it is difficult and even when I don't know how. Sorrow will last for a night, but joy comes in the morning. My God will sustain me, love me, and see me through even the most difficult weeks. He sees me as He has made me, redeemed and transformed, rather than as the sinful, anxious, insecure, and depraved person I am now. He brings trials to increase faith. He brings pain to increase faith. He brings darkness to greater magnify His light. That is the hope that I have and the hope that I can offer to others.

And that makes it all worth it.